Why the Behavior Keeps Coming Back (Even When You Try to Change It)
Have you ever tried to change a behavior…
only to realize the pattern keeps coming back anyway?
You promise yourself you’ll respond differently next time.
You use a new strategy.
You work harder.
And for a while, it helps.
But eventually, you find yourself right back where you started.
Here’s why.
The Treadmill You Can’t Turn Off
Imagine you’re on a treadmill.
At first, everything feels fine.
You’re walking… maybe jogging.
Then suddenly, the speed increases.
You look for the controls—but there’s no key.
No instructions.
No one ever showed you how to stop it.
Your body starts to panic.
Your heart races.
Your breathing shortens.
Your nervous system shifts into survival mode.
The First Strategy That Brings Relief
So you do the first thing that brings relief.
You step onto the sides of the treadmill.
You’re still technically on it—but you’re not running anymore.
Your heart rate drops.
You can breathe again.
That becomes your primary loop.
The strategy your system learned to get back to safety.
Not because you’re weak.
Not because you’re avoiding something.
Not because you “lack discipline.”
But because, in that moment, it worked.
Why Loops Form in the First Place
This part matters.
That loop didn’t form because something is wrong with you.
It formed because you didn’t have what you actually needed.
You needed:
- The key
- Instructions
- Someone to show you how to slow the machine down safely
Without those, your nervous system did the smartest thing it could do with the information it had.
It found relief.
When the First Strategy Stops Working
But then… one day, stepping onto the sides doesn’t work anymore.
The treadmill is moving too fast.
You’re losing balance.
The relief doesn’t last.
So your nervous system tries something else.
You jump.
You scrape your knees.
You get hurt.
But at least—you’re off the treadmill.
That becomes your secondary loop.
A different strategy.
Often more extreme.
Often more costly.
But driven by the exact same unmet need.
What Healing Is Not
Here’s the part most people miss:
Healing doesn’t involve learning how to jump without hurting yourself.
And it was never about “trying harder to stay on the treadmill.”
The unmet need was never the behavior itself.
The unmet need was this:
“I don’t know how to stop the treadmill.”
Why We Ask Different Questions
This is why, at Behavior & Emotion, we don’t start by asking:
“Why do you keep doing that?”
That question assumes choice without context.
Instead, we ask:
“What did this loop protect you from—when you didn’t have another option?”
Because loops don’t tell us what’s wrong with you.
They tell us what was missing.
Finding the Key
When you understand your loop, you can trace it back to the original unmet need.
Not with judgment.
Not with shame.
But with clarity and compassion.
And when that need finally gets met—
the treadmill doesn’t have to keep running.
You don’t need better behavior.
You need the key.
Discover what your loop has been trying to protect—and what it’s been asking for all along.
