Every parent wants to stay calm when their child is upset—but in the heat of the moment, that can feel impossible. That’s because both the parent’s and the child’s nervous systems are reacting automatically, driven by subconscious patterns that were wired long ago.
At Behavior & Emotion, we’ve developed a step-by-step process called Track. Retrain. Rewire. to help families break free from these cycles and create new, healthier patterns. Here’s how it works through the story of Tara and her daughter Emma.
Whenever 13-year-old Emma became overwhelmed and agitated, she didn’t know how to regulate her feelings. Her nervous system and subconscious tried to escape the perceived threat, often by running to her room and slamming the door.
Each time, her mom, Tara, felt instantly disrespected. Her chest tightened, anger rose, and she would yell, “Don’t you slam that door!” Emma responded by shutting down further—putting in her earbuds and ignoring her mom. Interpreting the silence as dismissal, Tara’s frustration escalated even more.
This destructive back-and-forth locked them into a cycle of dysregulation. Emma’s nervous system began identifying her mom as a threat, and over time she withdrew more and more—spending extra hours in her room, becoming secretive, and hiding things. Meanwhile, Tara’s nervous system grew more triggered by Emma’s behavior.
Tara began by learning to track her own responses. She realized her nervous system was triggered every time she felt dismissed or ridiculed.
This went deeper than the moment: as a child, Tara had been criticized often and only praised when she achieved something big. From those experiences, she developed a limiting belief:
“I am only valued for what I do, not for who I am.”
So whenever she felt dismissed, her nervous system automatically went into fight mode. The yelling wasn’t really about Emma—it was her subconscious trying to protect her from reliving that old wound.
Emma, on the other hand, responded by shutting down. To her, conflict felt unwinnable, so retreating was the safest option. Tara’s fight triggered Emma’s shutdown, which in turn triggered more fight in Tara. Both were caught in the same loop.
Once Tara understood her “why,” she began to retrain her nervous system.
The next time Emma slammed her door, Tara noticed her own chest tightening. Instead of reacting, she practiced the exercises that signal safety and make the nervous system feel safe. This allowed her nervous system to return to a resting state.
By doing this, Tara was teaching her body: “Dismissal is not a threat. I don’t have to fight.”
With practice, Tara began to rewire her subconscious patterns. The urge to yell no longer felt so strong. Her nervous system wasn’t driving the behavior anymore, so the old response simply faded away.
Instead, Tara gently knocked on Emma’s door and said:
“I can tell you’re upset. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
The old loop—trigger → stress response → yelling—was broken.
A new pathway had formed: trigger → retrain → rewire → calm response.
Tara’s nervous system no longer interpreted the door slam as danger.
Because Tara’s energy now felt safe, Emma eventually came out of her room and explained why she felt so overwhelmed. For the first time in a long time, they problem-solved together.
As Tara consistently responded this way, Emma’s nervous system stopped identifying her mom as a threat and began to see her as a safe anchor. This is the power of co-regulation—a child learns regulation by experiencing it with a calm parent.
Over time, Emma stopped slamming doors altogether. Now, when she feels overwhelmed, she goes directly to her mom for support—learning to regulate her own emotions in the process.
Track. Retrain. Rewire. isn’t about forcing behavior change through willpower. It’s about uncovering the why, calming the nervous system, and creating new pathways that make the old behaviors unnecessary.
When parents practice this process, they not only transform their own responses—they model regulation for their children. And that changes the whole family dynamic.